I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The uberlube is also flammable
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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