god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
