On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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