i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You can't just leave with hair like that
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
What happened to fro yo and sex?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
