if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
