I just gift wrapped bread.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Houston, we have a squirter
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
