So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
