Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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