'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
