Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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