if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
