you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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