I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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