I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
