How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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