Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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