at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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