I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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