Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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