a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Dicks are not precious.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
