Dude my mom stole all your condoms
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
