I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
