his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
