Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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