I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
