Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
