I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
