4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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