Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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