I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
