I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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