my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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