If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
