My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
