you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
