I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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