I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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