I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
