I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
