you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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