yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
