it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Text me some of your sweat
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