Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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