Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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