we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
