Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
