I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
