she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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