New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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