she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
