just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
