By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
