Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
